03 July 2011

Chinese vampires

Dear Chinese guy.

How do you kill a Chinese vampire.

Mike.


It depends do you mean a Chinese person bitten by a vampire or a Chinese Jiang shi type vampire.

If it is a Chinese person bitten by a vampire, then the usual things apply, stake in the heart, beheading, garlic, true faith, tainted blood. Holy Water and sunlight..... though Chinese people are naturally adverse to sunlight anyway. Since tanning is bad m'kay (people think you are a low class farmer or something). Fire is also good as are Applied Phlebotinum weapons like UV bullets as seen in underworld.

If it is a Chinese Jiang shi type vampire then you have all sorts of problems. As Jiang shi are nearly indestructible. Jiang shi are less vampires and more akin to zombies from Quake, you can shoot them but they keep getting up, much like the terminator

Depending on which movie you see them in they are invulnerable to many things western vampires get killed by:

  • Daylight does not kill them. They do however go and rest once a rooster makes its morning call.
  • Holy water is useless.
  • Garlic is useless.
  • Explosives are useless
  • Sharp stabbing and slicing weapons are also useless even to the head eyes, heart neck.
However you can stun Jiang shi or 'hurt' them to make them go away for a bit. Note stun and not kill.

Stunning is often via a yellow bit of paper on their forehead. Which contains a spell of some kind written in blood. This only freezes them to the spot though. They are very much alive you remove that yellow bit of paper and it'll tear your head off and spit down your neck. In fact if you should encounter such a Jiang shi and happen to find your head detached from your body and a copious amount of spit which does not belong to you in your neck then the thing I told you did not work. Ok so I made that up since they don't spit at you.

I will be happy to offer a refund on bad advice which gets you killed. Heh.

In various movies various things hurts Jiang shi that makes them retreat recover for a day or two and come back even stronger. Does anybody remember the Nemesis from Resident Evil 3? When you killed it with one weapon it would take double the amount of damage from the same weapon which put you in a whole world of shit.

As said it varies from movie to movie.

Rice will burn Jiang shi lightly.

Blood of various types will stun Jianshi, Chicken blood which has been blessed and the blood of a black dog works. And in Typical teenage horror movism. Peeing on them if you are a virgin will work like Holy Water against said Jianshi. Women probably need not apply.

Duck eggs will stun Jiang shi.

Large caliber guns will push them backwards a bit like house of the dead:



But you didn't ask that you asked how to kill them.

Fire much like this



Or the much more dangerous method is the vampires kiss. In some mythology Jiang shi exist because it draws one last breath in its body it cannot rest. Therefore you have to kiss the damned thing and suck out this last breath. Which will make the Jiang shi instantly deanimate. This is akin to kissing a pissed Grizzly bear which can tear you limb from limb. Except the Grizzly bear is indestructible doesn't feel pain. Kinda like the speech from the Terminator:

"It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead."

Good luck with that.

As a note if you attempt to try the vampires kiss, or rather the vampires suck Jiang shi are worse in that they too turn you into Jiang shi if they bite you as well.




Alternatively prevention is the best cure...

Therefore:

Choose cremation over burial.

Do not piss off dying relatives and leave things unresolved, i.e. give absolution to the dying.

Unfortunately TCG did leave something seriously unresolved with a buried relative recently which is why I keep a bedside flame thrower when I am in Asia (it is actually a chemical weed whacker which I tried with petrol and set myself alight but still works as a flamer).

Unfortunately I am not kidding either..... as my mum has seen a zombie. Her uncle died suddenly and the body 'moved' when it was left alone during the wake. The body was found to have moved upstairs and had opened up a secret cubby hole with the life savings of the family in a box it was clasping. And these stories seem a bit too common to be all lies.

2 comments:

  1. Like Korean stewardesses would be interested in a guy like you. I know the standard required of them and giving out emails/contact info. is NOT one of them. YOU ARE A BIG FAT TROLLING LIAR.

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  2. hahahahah dude you're hilarious! good advice right there, i'll rmb to check out canadian tire for that flamethrower next time

    ReplyDelete